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Robert Zimmerman: Spreading obvious misinformation since 1935!

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Robert Zimmerman

Age: 22

Gender: Male

Location: Are you a stalker?... Wait.      Don't answer that... I'd rather not      know.

Optimistic Pessimism: The glass is half      full of emptiness.

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Welcome to Not Getting Run Over By A Forklift 101. For our first lesson we'll... ack! No. NO! What a terrible way to start the class!

But aren't solar-powered vampires a bit impractical?

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On a Quiet Night
Sunday 6.11.06 8:36 pm

Oh yeah, I'm pretty bored over here. I never update, not because I have suddenly sprung into some incredibly interesting life to which no other could compare, but because I really do nothing worthy of mention, as most people probably do exactly what I do themselves.

Now that that's out of the way, I'll make some whimiscal story up for y'all for stopping by.
It all began not too long ago, I was just sitting down on a street corner, the dark of the early morning weighing unusually heavily on my brow, and the mist rolling over the hills already plastering my bodiless hair to my forehead. And when I say plastering... Man, I mean plastering. I tugged for several minutes, trying to pry it free from my forehead to no avail. Of course, I keep a grinding wheel around for occassions of the sort, so I did not fear. I carefully removed it from my pocket and let it down with a thud on the pavement. It grinded, my head started to hurt, and, after a while, it broke. Unfortunately, my hair had not budged and it rather felt like I had grinded the greater portion of the skin on my face off. I took out my incredibly masculine Hello Kitty powderbox and mirror, and, to my complete indifference, I looked like a poorly preserved skeleton.

At that point, I realized that nothing short of a diamond blade saw could sever my hair's hold on me, so I asked a nearby orphan if I could borrow hers. She was not too willing to just lend it to me, and seemed rather afraid when she looked up into my eyes, so I traded her a roll of duct tape and a rubber duckie for fifteen minutes with it. So, one hour and several jars of pickled pigs' ears, assorted chew toys, trolls' undergarments, and cans of Lysol later, I had separated the beast that was my hair and my skull. She took her saw back, stared at me one last time, turned, and ran. The jerk.

But I felt so free again, and the sun was beginning to peek over the horizon as I started downtown. I never knew the morning held so many surprises, because nearly every person I saw was running away from something... and I could never seem to find out what it was. Randy the bum, my one true friend, and the only person who didn't run away could offer very little insight into the matter. He simply emptied his stomach at the sight of me (and his bowels, if I had to judge by the smell) and said, "You've got something on your face," then went back to taking long dregs of moonshine.

Cheered by his comradery, I continued towards the city square and went to Walgreens. I spent some time selecting a snack, and finally settled on coffee, ('cause, hey, if you can drink it, why not eat it?) and went to the counter to pay for my delicious, ground treat. When I put my money on the counter to pay for it, though, the cashier looked up and screamed. After a mild fit of hysteria and several rather regularly intervaled seizures, she regained control of herself and reached out a finger to touch my face. She must've picked the only place on my face with a vein intact because, with the sheer amount of blood that spurted out at her and on her and around her, I'm sure it was the sole path for blood in my body. She screamed again, even though I found the situation rather funny... and then I got light-headed, and died.
The coffee was great by the way.

Later, DS
~ You know what's a funny word? Tatterdemalion.

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2 Comments.


masculine hello kitty powderbox and mirror? haha
nice story
» Ajibalaji89 on 2006-06-17 09:41:21

hmm thanks
i think i mgetting fined for it either way =( i love how we have been on nutang for since when it basically started and we are hardly on it.. i love the changes though
» teresa on 2006-06-19 04:16:51

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